Wednesday, November 9, 2016

NaBloPoMo Day 8: Butterfly Effect

Nov. 8: If you could redo one moment in your life, what would it be and why? How would it change who you are now? 

There are so many moments I would happily relive: that time we all swam in the lake as kids, Christmas at my great-grandma’s, my wedding day, the birth of my daughter (as a spectator, because eff that c-section shit), or that one time in London when things got REALLY crazy (gooood times). To be a part of those moments again would be incredible beyond words, but I picture it more as relieving them step-by-step as they happened the first time. Kind of like re-watching your favorite scene of a movie, only you’re in it. The idea of going back and changing a particular day is a whole other thing for me. You see, I’m pretty happy where life has landed me and I would be too afraid of some kind of butterfly effect that would prevent me from arriving right here, right now.

Stay clear of me butterflies of the past, I've heard what you can do
If I knew I could redo a day without any consequences for my present, I would choose to go back in time and not head out with my friend on the day she introduced me to my ex-boyfriend. I fell in love with him deeply and quickly and, honestly, that pace probably contributed to how toxic the relationship eventually became. I can say with absolute certainty that I was in an abusive relationship and it made me into a person who I didn’t like. I was depressed, I was insecure, I was sure I’d never find anyone else who would love me, I was separated from my friends, and I started making very bad decisions. It was like living in a fog that crept in slowly over time and then one day I looked around and realized I couldn’t see and had no idea where the exit was. After a time, I think we both hated each other to some degree and yet could not seem to make a clean break. We just kept falling back into it over and over again. I knew someone who called it being “soul-tied”, when you can’t seem to separate yourself from a particular person even when you logically know better. It’s like some outside force keeps dragging you back together, it makes you feel helpless.

I eventually did leave; I went all the way to the other side of the country and cut contact. In spite of him constantly trying to bait me back into talking to him, I kept my distance. I lived my life the way I wanted and became someone who, if I weren't me already, I would want to be friends with. I reconnected with old friends, made new ones, and started reaching my goals both personally and professionally. Next thing I knew, it was 10 years later and he was still calling my parent’s house, but I didn’t feel that pull any more and I hadn't for quite some time (at that moment, I just felt sort of sorry for him).

This experience, as unhealthy as it was, forced me to be stronger. Maybe if I hadn't walked into Guitar Center that day I would have spared myself the hurt and the overall experience of abuse, but restarting my life took an incredible amount of strength, which I’m not sure I would have grown without that relationship. So, yeah. Of course, I’d love to have just not even met him. That sounds so nice and clean and simple. But at the same time, I fear that I would not be the person I am today without what happened to me.

#NaBloPoMo #Blogging #Writing #BlogHer

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